Challenging Conversations: Part 1

One framework we often explore in coaching comes from Dr. John Gottman's research on communication. While originally developed for personal relationships, these patterns are just as relevant in the workplace. Leaders who recognize them can build stronger teams, healthier cultures, and more productive conversations.

Gottman calls them the "Four Horsemen"—four communication habits that, left unchecked, erode trust. This month, we're covering the first two. Any guesses on what the remaining two are? Keep an eye out for Part 2 next month!

1. Criticism → Replace with Constructive Feedback

Criticism attacks the person. Constructive feedback addresses the behavior.

Instead of saying: You're always unprepared.

Try: I noticed that the Director didn’t get the info she needed at today’s meeting. How can you make sure she has the right info the next time?

When feedback focuses on behavior rather than character, people are more likely to listen, learn, and improve.

2. Defensiveness → Take responsibility

When we receive feedback, it's natural to want to explain, justify, or defend ourselves. But defensiveness often shuts down productive conversations.

Instead of saying: That’s not my fault.

Try: I can see how that happened. Here's what I'll do differently next time.

Taking responsibility—even for a small part of the situation—lowers tension, builds trust, and keeps the conversation moving toward solutions.

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Leadership Challenge

During your next challenging conversation, pause and ask yourself:

• Am I addressing the behavior instead of attacking the person?

• Am I willing to own my part?

Small shifts in how we communicate create stronger relationships and better collaboration.

Ready to elevate the way you lead? Click the button below to schedule your complimentary, no-obligation call so we can follow up and support your needs and interests.

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P.S. Keep an eye on your inbox next month for Part 2, where we’ll dive into how to manage conversation shutdowns and how to eliminate the #1 trust killer in teams. What do you think it is? You might be surprised!

In joy and learning,

Cynthia Way, CEO

Way To Go! Inc.